Okay I need to vent. I am trying to analyze this damn movement. I always try to analyze one movement or another and although yes I am where i am in life I never do it even half decent. Why is this so hard, why can't I see things... It takes years of experience to rip a score apart and I am some kid complaining about how I can't do it. Well I really want to do it and so maybe thats why.
I am thinking about grad school all the time, and how I want to be on top, ready for anything. Everytime I open up a score I cringe anymore it's scary. I can read it, that's no problem. But gosh why can't I pick out chords and find the right themes and all that jazz. I am not sure if I am supposed to or not I just need to find something. It's like literary analysis, which is insanely easy compared to this, but you have to search through all the words, in this case the notes, to be able to find motives and special things. I find some rather interesting things sometimes, so I have to give myself that, but this whole thing and the million themes in this damn first movement it driving me nuts. Of course the fact that I recently mis-read about 5 books doesn't help either. Oh to be a student... all the trials and tribulations and every little thing. I keep on asking myself what is your problem why can't you see this? 1- maybe because I am 22 and well a novice of theoretical analysis, and 2- I need to just get over the fact that everyone else had to learn it the same way that i did and it just didn't come to them in 2.5 seconds or like some act of god or something like that. Thats ridiculous to think that. Yes grad school is looming on my horizon, and I have a lot to think about that particular subject. If I had my way, I would only do score analysis all the time, that would be my only homework so I would become wicked mad good (wow that was so scholarly...) about it. Then again I might just get that one day and be shaking my head in the horror of that experience... I must sound like a musical psychopath by now. I care to much, I love what I am doing too much, and I just want to be the best I can be at it (and one day teach a poor kid like myself the same thing). I'll break through someday.

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Here we go! From beginning (sunday night) to end (wed afternoon) an incredible list of 2.5 days in NYC...
I won't elaborate because sometimes things are too amazing for words.

7 hour bus ride.
NYC skyline (ha ha I get excited!)
chinatown/soho dash
66th Lincoln Center for the first time
Ollie's incredible spicy black bean noodles (ate more than half of giant container... so amazing.)
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early morning bagel
Washington Square in the sun
NYU confusion/Coffee Catastrophe... but not.
Uptown Lincoln Center
The bookstore dash, Juilliard/Patelsohn's, yip yip!
MoMA where are you? hungry...
Carnegie Deli crazy huge massive pastrami in Central Park
MoMA afternoon/short rest
***
Wagner's Lohengrin @ the MET.... all 4.5 hours of it!!!
(INCREDIBLE even up in family circle.... and that Robert Wilson production was amazing, even though it's the first time i've ever seen Lohengrin!)
***
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NYU call, and meeting
uptown to Columbia
lunch and desert picnic style from the Hungarian Pastry Shop (the best baklava EVER!)
Columbia meeting
down to midtown
NY Car Show.... (pretty darn cool!)
Downtown to Union Sq.
Sushi from the whole foods sitting in Union Sq.
Amazing Strand bookstore.... yip yip!
***
down to Roulette for amazing show: Haeyoung Kim w/Kathleen Supové, visuals by Adam Kendall
(What a WONDERFUL show, I loved the work. The interaction with visuals and sound was just great)
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room check out, locked up luggage which causes shoe catastrophe...
Morning walk through Times Sq.
Pass by observance of Good Morning America and the Today show
Lincoln Center for morning pics (thinking this would be the last time I see it, but no...)
Down to CUNY meeting/Shoe catastrophe (well, yeah)/5th Ave begins later than the rest of the streets (walk for like 25 blocks... oops only time I misjudged the distances)
Meeting at CUNY
Macy's
Uptown to 66th and Ollie's again this time the duck, yum yum
Juilliard bookstore again.
sprint for the locked up luggage.
terrible marathon from Penn Station to Canal street with naughty terrible bad heavy luggage (damn books... why do I love books!)
Canal St. 80 million degrees 8-9-10 blocks heavy luggage so thirsty
bus, half a bottle of water and an 8 hour ride home to Maine.

I am so tired... but what an Splendorific time in the City... Seriously, in love with it all.
sleep.

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So. All of a sudden I am in a state of limbo deciding wether I should take another year of undergrad and then go on to grad school or finish up next May. Oh what limbo it is. I don't want to leave, and at the same time, I just want to go. New York is less than two weeks away. In two weeks i have an interview with Columbia. Hopefully NYU and CUNY if possible, or if they contact me back.
I think this trip might be the deciding factor if I should stay another year and build my 'professional' portfolio etc.
I don't know its just hard its all hard and it kinda hurts inside. I don't want to leave, I am so attached here to this school, the atmosphere, the western maine mountains, the charm, all the great awesome people. But I have to move on, I have to go be me, one day I can return if I want to until then I need to reach my goal, and not hesitate or hinder myself from it in the process. And guess what its the impossible formula for possibility.
Yes, so as many highs and lows I have had over the past two days, I am tired. This post isn't making much sense, because well I don't make much sense lately. Or maybe it's right there in front of me, and I haven't stepped back far enough to see it. sleep, now.

(And now I will revert to corny high school behavior, and show my emotional attachment to a song that has helped me through today and not letting my eyes join the rain outside...)

Fix You by: Coldplay (never thought I would quote this in a million years on here....)
When you try your best but you don't succeed, When you get what you want but not what you need, When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face, When you lose something you cannot replace, When you love someone but it goes to waste
COULD IT BE WORSE?

Lights will guide you home, And ignite your bones, And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below, When you're too in love to let it go, But if you never try you'll never know, Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home, And ignite your bones, And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face, When you lose something you cannot replace, Tears stream down your face
And I... Tears stream down your face, I promise you I will learn from my mistakes, Tears stream down your face, And I...

Lights will guide you home, And ignite your bones, And I will try to fix me.

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