So, I am over the little bobble of the last post though quite comedic now, at the time it ruined my week. I find myself still in the same shoes but a different outlook, what am I doing where am I going (why on thanksgiving break is it so impossible to do homework) etc... I won't ramble on (then again i'll get up to 800 words and finally realized ooohhh I just blog-brain vomited... you can quote me on the former...) There are so many things going on right now, its the beginning of the end of the semester, already over my head with stuff to do, I don't know how though. I have a project 4 plays a book work etc whats the point listing - I have work to do... Ontop of work work as well... Lovely.

I will get it done its not the end of the word, do as much as I can and move on its just one little tidbit of life. After having a mental block this morning (and now, i am tangenting again trying to get this done since its taken me all damn day to write just one blog for R2R... ehhhhhh let that one go) and with the consult of me mum I decided to go for a little hike/boarding. If there is one thing useful for living in Western Maine its our wonderful accessibility to mountains. Luckily we have fresh snow so I took a jaunt over to titcomb for some mental renewal. Hiked up the back side, boarded part of the way down and walked back to the car. And the entire time I was with nature ah ha, and not my work, but it was enough to get the spanner out of the cogs and to get the old brain working. Now, I can't decide what to do first (or to take tangents)... And it hit me that if I end up going to grad school in the City or Boston that well I am going to travel many hours to get anything remotely like this solitude... Oh the decisions, I guess sometimes we need to make sacrifices everything has its pros and cons.

If anything I want to make the end of this semester something enjoyable and not a freak-out fest. I have one test, many projects it should be good. On top of that I really need to get this proposal in for my individual major. Meet with the Dean next week. I am very optimistic about this whole thing. If I keep going on the route I am on now I would probably graduate at the same time as my new major. So what it really comes down to is this, the realization of oh, regardless you still have about two years from this very point anyway. This was new to me (surprisingly) but it is very true. I get this feeling sometimes that I have (since the last post especially) 500 different paths in front of me. Really I don't, I have a handful with different options. The decision is mine so I just need to pick the right one, and thats the tricky part. Life is never easy. I sit here once again with a bunch of things to do, and a bunch of places to go, and very little time to do it all, but isn't it great?!

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I feel as if i have been hit by a sledgehammer in the back of my legs. Ready to stand tall or fall at any moment. What is up with this vulnerability this week, defensive fighting that gets in the way of a path; or just on another path down this interesting road. Okay you must be thinking what a psychopath, sure, close to it of course but I am at a crossroad in life and it just smacked me in the face. I think if someone gets to comfortable somehow its going to come back; meaning instability. I think of that scene in Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy where they are walking on that one planet (the name escapes me at the moment) and those weird shovel like objects pop out of the sand and smack the characters in the face every two seconds. Yup, thats this week.

Now, that I have skirted around the point of this post for a nice long paragraph what I am trying to say is, this is it, due or die. I am a little slow sometimes not realizing that this is a one time thing - get it right or struggle to get it right with some sort of focus as you are being pulled by 20,000 other things in a million directions. Somehow I will get to grad school, its a weird mix of emotions to describe it, or I'll be so wonderfully numb by that point that who knows Ill be able to get through it. So yes I am over reacting life is how you make it this is how I make it. Basically I fell upon (ouch) the fork with 30 prongs in the road. I realized well I am at the top of the mountain of my undergrad right now (kinda I am speaking metaphorically) and I am going to have a long rocky descending sweep which will lead me now through possibly a new/modified major. Music/Writing with a history minor. Sounds good right, easy enough sure... (my iPod just shuffled out 3 Radiohead songs in a row, I am starting to level out a little...) Well it is and it isn't. I've been playing hide and go seek in a building with many doors but only hiding in the hallways, suddenly some doors are cracked and all kinds of colored light is coming out. Yes, there are new things on the table all of a sudden. Its rather unfortunate that its November and lots of places have yet to post their summer school programs. Many new ideas, classes, getting out of Farmington for my sanity of seeing the world, etc... I have been gravitating towards the idea of heading to Boston or especially the NYC area for this little academic adventure/ possible grad school settling. This scares me I admit, I am not ready to leave here yet; I will in due time, its starting to feel that way, but not yet. If I can stuff away my judgement I would love to go into a world where there are people with strong opinions and egos and clash with them, the giant boxing match of life. Can I take it, hell yeah I've gone through enough BS at times in my life that I can do anything, and its been my motto forever, if Meg is going to do it move the heck out of the way cause I damn will - any way possible. Anyway something inside me says run like the wind something else says caution. Then there is a third thing saying put the dukes up and fight it out till the bloody end. What a mixed message (I can't wait to read this post in 6 months I can already hear the laughing). Oh yeah and there is a fourth big thing that just came out recently: give up everything for the study of music. I think this is one of the scariest and most exhilarating things that has ever passed through my psyche. Hard to believe I want to just take everything extra (by this I mean pretty much everything non musical... yeah a little frightening), erase it and only have books classes and knowledge, be immersed in it. I must contemplate this more, it seems like a gamble but it might be the risk I need. Then again I might be wrong...

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I chose to not write for the rest of the trip and distance myself a few days before writing another post. My reason for this is because i realized on the second day of the conference this weekend would be huge, not only life/perspective changing, but also an emotional high, that ended up taking days to wear off! Never before have a I seen so many people so incredibly and academically passionate to a subject I hold so dear to myself. Through their lectures, performances, open forums, demonstrations, etc, I was so inspired and driven. The experiences at the conference gave me even more drive than I already have to pursue the subject of music; I find it hard to comprehend how these (meaning life changing things i.e. - conferences and trips to Europe etc.) can change a person as much as they have. I don't want to get mushy, but the experience of finding your calling and letting it take you over while at the same time passionately pursuing it is an amazing experience and makes life so exhilarating!

With some emotions aside I should get into the details of what I saw heard and experienced. Overall, the conference was incredible, every presentation I attended really was impressive, some more than others, in retrospect. Seeing academics perform and present their own research is so much different than sitting in a classroom; they are gaga over this stuff, it makes them tick - therefore a different side comes out. Each and everyone of these people that were there to present spent hours on research and on a quest to find the answers to analyze and to not so much master a subject but to learn and in turn become a student once again without the classroom dynamic, more of a life-long-learner. Being one of the very few students there, nevertheless a meager undergraduate, at times I thought can I be taken seriously. Well, it was a wake up call to find that the majority of the academics that I spoke with were willing to talk and to even take me seriously within the context of a conversation. That alone was huge for me. I met and had conversations with some very interesting people who gave me insight and in some cases a whole new outlook on what I am currently pursuing in my studies. I will save this for later in the post.

Now, for my highlights of the conference. I already covered some of them in my previous post so I will start with Friday and go on from there. One of the first sessions I attended on Friday was on a composition by the name of Bridge by Andy Jaffe and Jay Allen Jackson. I walked in a couple minutes late but was highly impressed by the music I heard, I believe the majority of the strings in the composition were all computer based and programmed. The strings program was the Garritan Personal Orchestra. I was highly impressed, maybe if we get more funding for software in the lab I will push for this program; it basically had the best computer synthesized strings i've ever heard. Like the majority of the presentations I attended I would really like to follow up on this one and hear the recording again. There were two presentations right before the Musicology Open Forum that impressed me. Though I was not familiar with the works I will probably peruse them in the future. Valeria Wenderoth presented on Massenet's Thais, she made some very interesting connections interpreting the relationship between the characters in the work and how this effected the music. I spoke earlier in the day with Valeria about what I was currently studying and what I planned to do with my future. She gave me some insight which I never thought of pursuing before. I hope to keep this dialogue with her, she was one of a few exciting people I met at the conference. After this was a presentation on Faure's La Bonne Chanson. Though a highly detailed presentation, I found myself eager for what was next, the Musicology Open Forum, 2 hours of my life I will never forget.

The room filled and of course I was the only student, there was a PHd canidate, but I was the only undergrad. The first part of the forum questioned some of the ways of teaching and how musicologists should teach, it was more or less a checklist of what is important right now in the state of teaching musicology. The underlying discussion of the entire Open Forum was the question: where is the Canon right now and where should it go. How interesting I thought. Of course I thought all these people will agree that contemporary music is starting to seep into the classical studies and this was an okay thing. WAS I WRONG. Here was a group (I say this respectfully) of middle aged PHds who were trained in another time, in another state of thought and through my naivety I actually thought that this was the trend in music, in academia and was a somewhat commonplace idea. Far from, my first reaction was a high blood pressure moment of shock, I have never had my heart race like that about an academic subject. I will not state what was said, but it was an open forum and it was very interesting. It opened my somewhat closed mind to the subject completely to the point where I now understand the other side (at the time I couldn't for the life of me, of course thats very human of me to want to defend my beliefs). I might sound staunchly here being a little bias, I possibly am, until that pivotal moment of when I become un-objectable I think I will possibly hold this bias of contemporary music. AND on the flip side of things (almost mirroring the forum!) this is what I grew up with, half classical half contemporary I cannot deny the connection there is between the two. Somehow I grew up in a world where the BEST music was BOTH worlds! Heck, for example, I just went through four Radiohead albums (OKC to HTTT) and picked out what songs had a Messiaen connection. I think this topic of 'popular,' meaning anything other than classical which is alot when you think about it, music being integrated into the Classical Canon will be a hot debate for many many years to come. I am just some how surprised that I somehow landed at this period of time where as I move into my grad studies and my PHd work this will become an even heated topic, and possibly within the area of my doctoral or masters topic. Taking from RH themselves: Everything In Its Right Place.

Okay so after that long explanation I am going to reiterate a little more of what I was talking about as well as adding more depth. The topic of the Open Forum: What kind of Teaching is Music History Teaching. This topic well can go over my head very easily just for the fact that I am not a teacher, and my teaching experience is rather limited. What I find here is me going back to my claims in the original (and now you might be saying broken record... just hold that thought) Is it necessarily right in this day of age to teach just the canon within a survey class? I am really not sure of this. I question that sure popular music and its emotional meanings to people could possibly get in the way of a full understanding or connection to a piece in the canon. I must say that it is a very innovative teaching style though that is probably sparsely used throughout the music educational system in america. Its either a history of rock or jazz course and then the survey. Now, in todays society would it work with students of a relatively mixed background going into the survey I would question that actually slanting the classes perspective might indeed cloud the view of the canon. This is very interesting after this conference I find myself questioning my very own strong beliefs.

Saturday marked an absolutely wonderful day that was topped by Greg Sandow and the Slipknot/As I Lay Dying/Unearth concert. I had been waiting all conference for Sandows presentation and by chance in talking about it he came up to us while waiting for an elevator. The Sandow presentation was on The Future of Classical Music and was that the place that I wanted to be. After being stunned by the Musicology Lecture I finally found some camaraderie on the subject of the future of music. Though Sandow came through an orchestral perspective the point was crystal clear, the lines needed to be broken and let the dance begin! What I am trying to say is let classical and popular genres intertwine and interact, they can both learn from each other! They need each other! I was highly impressed with Sandow (and his blog as well for a while now) and his ideas. After I decided to personally commend him on the brilliant presentation. This then turned into a lengthy discussion of the integration of classical and popular and how there shouldn't be barriers etc. One of the highlights of the weekend. Later on that night Jennie, Steve, and I attended the Slipknot/As I Lay Dying/Unearth concert. For two people who have never been to a rock show they had a great time. As did I, giving myself severe whiplash in my neck and almost losing my voice screaming... Oh well... It was a blast.

Overall, I have changed grown and learned. If there is anything your supposed to do in college and for the rest of your life it must be those three things (and a number of other things as well but I can't list them all!). We trekked and dined, wined and skated, ran in the sleet and discovered new things. Any GREAT EXPEDITION or ADVENTURE should have those elements and they were met on this trip to the fine city of Quebec. The CMS Conference was an invaluable pivot point to my future. Through my experiences I have started seeing both sides of the story to some topics which is something that has been lacking in my perspective (not a bad thing I just wasn't there yet!). Though I have attempted to try to express this past weekend in words here it has been a limited attempt, and has hopefully gotten my experience across a little. All I keep on saying is it was amazing, and it simply was.

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I am in CANADA for the first time! For the College Music Society National Conference, and I am finding it to be an incredible experience. I woke up @ 3:15 this morning came up here with friends and the prof and now after this very long day I am tired and worn out but I had some wonderful experiences today. I finally realized I have a lot to learn but I am doing really well; I have learned an incredible amount of music already, and I might be able to make it out in the real world as a musicologist. There is a little bit of hope which makes me incredibly happy and relieved. Its not that I EVER thought my institution gave me and insubstantial education, far from, I just wondered what is the BIG WORLD like outside of Farmington. Today I confirmed I have had an incredible education and I still have so much more to learn from Farmington (even though I really don't want to leave the Farmington area, kinda attached...) and wherever I go on to graduate studies. I now have the confidence to know yes, maybe I might possibly be able to survive in this field.

I attended many incredible lectures one on Toru Takemitsu and his piano pieces Rain Tree Sketch and Rain Tree Sketch II. Overall the analysis was incredibly complex, at times finding myself immersed in octatonic scales and variations of Messiaen's modes. Though the piece in places is a tribute to Messiaen, Takemitsu makes it his own by implementing Japanese aesthetic style into the structure of the piece. One of the main themes of the piece is Circular Repetition and this happened to strike a large chord with me. Right now I am pursuing a topic for possibly research (maybe for Music Sem) spawned off of an article by Susan McCleary which has been a rather debatable topic recently. I am super psyched I was able to make these connections. Also thinking about a project on Messiaen (maybe for R2R)... HRM....

Another was on Varese's first movement of Octandre. Though the presenter well rushed through and probably shouldn't have pointed that out... But regardless he had some interesting connections between the music and Non-Linear time, and the listeners interpretation of it. Though I find myself wanting to possibly contact him and ask him for a copy of the paper, I was highly engrossed by YET ANOTHER interpretation of time in the relation to music. This time it didn't focus on repetition but still it seems to be a topic that is popping up in places. Yes, music is about time but golly gee how about peoples interpretation of it. I also attended a lecture on 'Intersubjectivity and the Construction of Musical Meanings' Now, the author was not there to present it but there were all of these philosophical and musical ideas introduced and taken many different ways. The topic was complex, I might contact that author as well to read their work, and possibly write a reflection of it on here.

Quebec is another world only like 1-2 hours from my house... Mini-Europe this close... GEEEZE! Why didn't I come here before!? Oh and I am coming back for Carnival too! I cannot wait! More good food and ice skating tomorrow! Oh yeah and another blasting day of awesome music topics!!
I am tired, and have been up since 3:15 AM, running on about 3 hours of sleep from the night before. Yet, I pump out a blog entry. I am addicted to this field I swear!

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