This is wonderful, enjoy.

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This is about frustration, contemplation, and letting go of the very thing you've grasped for a long time. I feel like I am leaving. I still have a semester to go, but I am walking towards that door. I am already being put in the done bin, I can feel it. It's a good and bad thing. Once I go through the door I might not ever step back through it again.

Frankly, I am at one of the most successful moments of my life so far, why do I feel as if I have lost so much in the process of getting here? Give and take? I read some poems and writings from earlier on in college. It seemed like I was more content (in the strangest way-though I know I wasn't). Maybe its because I had more time? I was poetic, and creative in ways I am not now. Maybe my perspective is skewed. Maybe I just haven't backed up far enough to see just how creative I really am. I listen to Quilisma, my musical effort and wonder how I created these things in the first place and why what I am doing now isn't working? I might be hard on myself. A little too hard on myself. Somehow it fuels what I am best at. Sometimes it destroys me.

Progress isn't point to point, there aren't any straight lines. I know this. It seems like parts are missing. Fears replace them. I am too scared of something to be able to express other things. Work over heart, procrastination over mind, nothing but myself to blame. My dad says 'work smarter not harder' I think my mind is a converse of this statement. This endless pit called the brain. Its sad and wonderful in the strangest way.

What they don't tell you is that being good at something makes you sweat blood, and give up parts of yourself, like time and etc. No one tells you that its going to be easy. No one tells you that you trade your moments of joy for text on page and ideas that make your brain want to bleed. That all the work for grad school might in fact not make you as happy as you should be. You cope, you have goals you have to reach them...

I am not sure anyone is supposed to give you the instruction sheet. Everything is a blank page, from the moment you begin to think and breathe on your own you must start to construct the beauty that will be represented on that page. I think Ive made the most beautiful sunset so far. I have these dreams with red skies, sunsets.

I have no idea what this means other than my opening statement. So much. good. growth. etc. I just need to see it, confirm it.

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This is about writing... In general.

This is where it starts. The blog the dialogue. This is where my head starts before I have to write something - or the process gets translated into a blog type dialogue in the first draft of where I write. Now, this is just for my academic writing - and lord knows I do a lot of that. I think I am a good blog writer. People have told me I am. So, lets start here and not jump ahead to trying to be all academic blah blah blah and save it for a later draft. I am declaring it now this is where I start this experiment. For the rest of this semester this is what I am doing. I am starting here in my blog, writing in a colloquial style in my first draft and then well peeling away the zest of my writing orange, peel by peel with a dull knife. Until it gets sharp and this method gets so ingrained it is what it is. And that is what it should be.

Vague enough? Sure... Ive been thinking a lot about writing lately only because I am so frustrated with it. Sure people put those thoughts there but that is besides the point - if people don't put thoughts in your brain what the HELL are you supposed to think about. So, get over it. I have been writing papers, and songs and everything. I am especially stuck with writing a song. Its a sad song, really sad. Its about love, and love you can't give, but there is love right in front of you. Its kind of like, All is Full of Love, the song I covered on my last album - but unrequited not realizing that love is well all around you. Anyway, I have constructed the song with some of my favorite phrases from other songs, and some of my own favorite phrases from other songs ive written in the past. Ooooooo the last time I was song writing was 2004, youngin... And the words don't work. This is more like a puzzle. I have chords i have some what of a stagnant melody, but the words don't work maybe they arn't supposed to work? Yet I keep on picking at the ice.

There is something I have noticed in college. I have learned how to do math okay. I am not an A student in math but I am to the point where I think I understand what I am doing and I am getting decent grades on things. In college I have made myself learn math with the help of the logic I learned while learning music theory. I came to the point somewhere in my second semester of freshman year that I said: "Music theory is just like math in that way I hate it... But, I love music so much I will get over it and just learn it." And I pretty much aced all three music theory classes I have taken... I should do the same for writing, eating those vegetables cause they are good for you.

The same goes for writing. Maybe because I am 2 classes away from 26 credits of writing courses - enough to be a large chunk of my music and writing major - that I am finally wondering what the hell have I learned. And at that point I must remind myself it is a HELL oF A LOT. I still have problems putting together a smooth sentence because I like to put big words with different meanings in. I still make comma mistakes, who doesn't? I am a writer - I fumble mumble around with prose like they are legos. I don't think musicology students my age, in undergrad, realize how incredibly important it is to be a good writer. Thats what you must do as a musicologist. Some probably come natural, the rest of us just go at draft after draft.

So there are my words for now. I have now sufficiently warmed up to write a paper.

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So, blogs are pretty incredible ways of procrastination. HA! I went XCing, and Snowboarding today (i should mention for the last three days snowboarding). I went XCing first, challenging myself to the backside of Titcomb all the way to the top. And then when I got to the part where I saw the right side T-bar I realized the hill goes down.

down

and I went down, face in the snow (i am not used to this!)... four or five times. I realized I cannot go down hill on skis without getting very close to hitting trees... I can snowboard, like a freaking insane person - but with skis everything is BACKWARDS. You want to turn right you push with your left leg, vise versa... What the hell, friggin backward system is that!? On a snowboard you want to go right you push that way, its very natural. Yes, I am willing to learn, and might find myself on the pony tow rope practicing my snowplow... AH! On a snowboard I am a rockstar, I can do anything I wish - but that's with 12 years of experience... (and I must say today's conditions were so fast, I don't think Ive gone that fast on my snowboard in a few years. yay!) oy.

Okay I said I was going to reflect on things. I think my trip to NY was a huge turning point. Like I said I can see my game pieces for the future, now its just making the right moves. I think my research is pretty much done for my undergrad thesis. Now, its just writing just fitting what i need to fit in with all the potholes and headaches in between. Things are interesting right now. I can't wait for the momentum of this week to pick me up - last week was weird, with the snow day on Friday and it was the week back from vacation, just disorienting and very tired. This week - I am ready to make progress with things.

I am really looking forward to the research this summer with Steve. I can't believe we are co-writing something, still. I mean I gotta get through this semester and we have started the 7 week stretch of hell... But there is light. I see this being something incredibly cool, and just building on everything I've already done in my career. Something like this only kinda been an inkling of a wish for the past couple of years, but I never really expressed it - now I its happening! Poof there you go! One more pleasant surprise!

Everything seems to be happening. My roommates are getting into the grad schools they want to get into. I am traveling, going to conferences, and well doing everything I want to do in life. I realized it this weekend. This is it. I read some stuff I wrote in a journal back in sophomore year - how I wished to be intelligent, and somewhat eloquent - doing research just living my entire life though music... And you could probably look back to the first posts of RPL and see the same thing.

I have done it and I am doing it. To me, that's success. To be happy, to realize this is where you want to be - riding the waves (or snow) of your dreams. It just feels good.

Now, I better start dreaming again.

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We had a snow day today. NO SCHOOL! I slept in, sat around, read, wrote an abstract, went snowboarding, and last but not least XCing down Main St. with Bryan after the dinnerparty and movie tonight!!! This SPECIAL OCCASION (meaning waiting after four years to do this!) was documented with my camera phone, for lack (or lazyness of getting out better camera) of good camera. Its more funny than anything, we look like waddling skiiers!! Enjoy:




More of this fun all weekend. gotta love the white stuff. Later in the weekend Ill update with my final contemplation of my trip last week, ideas for the future and such and such and such. sleep and snow, I LOVE IT!

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