Warning very candid rant alert!
Today I think I had a revelation. I want to talk about this thing that just happened to me from the beginning. I have been involved with music my entire life. I am not a virtuoso at any instrument. I am okay at guitar and violin, learning piano really. I have an ear (well 2 of them really...) that shows ive been doing this for quite a while. But I have always embodied the spirit of well wanting to be a part of it, wanting to have music as my life but not being able to do so. I am 21 so looking back in a reflective manner I look back to my youth and how I lived down the street from a music school for years and never took full advantage of it, even though i did go there for lessons, but rather was a child and was distracted by things such as tv and my bike and my rc car and skateboards and snowboards. Well i think thats what childhood is for, right. Being mystified and taken by the imagination and the fun stuff. Even when my mom would threaten me 'if you don't practice ill just cancel your lessons' on violin i would cry, there was no way I was not doing this. I had no discipline within myself to practice (still don't to a certain extent) but it still couldn't kick it (I really don't understand how I could love it so much I don't do it all the time.. eh). So I become a teenager of course stupid in my own right. Yes that sounds absolutely negative but adolescents is a very stupid period now that i look back you have no idea what your doing or why your doing it at times and yet I just still scratch my head thinking about that period of my life i just left. And I was rebellious and said screw that classical shit, its for geezers... Rock on. and I did.
So buying me a guitar I did and i rocked through high-school. And later in high-school when i was starting to shake off all those 'super' hormones I actually wanted to get serious with music and well go somewhere with it. But with guitar? and i haven't played that violin for years. gah! I take theory. I try to get academic with it go to Berklee summer session and what can a high-school offer. its limited. I decided to be a high-school english teacher, cause I am good at writing. Sure why not.
I apply to one college. University of Maine at Farmington and I land here. NO REGRETS seriously. I am going to be an english teacher yay. Until there was something called music rearing its head again. I thought about it that spring as a senior in high-school I should be an elementary music teacher. (Yeah right...) no no no. Until that one class freshman year. That wonderful fall where i fell in love with modernism, and all the other isms of 20th C. music and now, more or less I don't have to talk about the last two years of my life (thats in my live journal) i am a music major and hopefully someday a musicologist.
And that fall now going on 2 years ago this fall was when i said holy shit I did it I finally shrugged off everyone who said you can't do it and now that I look back. Damn girl your doing it, and damn well. Ive published a paper, ive been a TA and going to be more, and now I am a research assistant this summer. And now I am doing music, wether I like it or not in my brain 24 hours a day. I think thats why I haven't been sleeping well lately I think about it while I am sleeping. I am living more or less in the musical life. So I am researching every day music history. Its like a huge research paper every day. And I am learning about all kinds of music history that well is somehow not in my brain. I realized this big problem though. I get really pissed when I don't know something, which totally gets in the way of really learning it. What the hell is wrong with me good god I am one extreme or the other.
So I am laying on my futon tonight, probably should be doing work, thinking about this in this hot hot heat. And in the haze of a terrible headache I think i finally realized I am living it. I thought I did last week but i wasn't until today when early this morning, and later today, I got up to practice piano and things that I learned a while ago just started pouring out of my head. Something Ive been waiting for 5+ years to happen is/has happened. And should i formalize this happening. No. probably not. It probably spoils it.
So here I am and this is my story so far. I have written enough. I don't care if I am the only one that reads it. At least its something. I will talk about what I am working on at a later time besides recordings that are never going to happen, well they might I tried something tonight... We will see. I am well a chaotic, crazy meg trying to do it but what i strive for in a weird roundabout way is normalcy, the root the tonic something to ground me. So just writing this has. This is a story of an undergrad music student, lets see where I go.
